One of the unhealthiest things in our faith is when you process your thoughts and doubts about God publicly. I think there is something valuable in speaking our thoughts with people we trust who can listen to us without judgment. And allow them to speak over us with love and truth. Grace and truth. Grace and truth.
So many people think God is a distant entity, or when they just don’t understand or don’t get any answer, then God does not exist. The truth is, God exists whether or not you believe in Him. If I don’t believe in God, then life is meaningless and there is no point of reference for anything. If I believe in God, then I am also seen as crazy. Ha! There is no meeting in the middle. One of the most infamous arguments of atheists is “if God is real, and loving and forgiving, how can He allow deaths and suffering?”. I think, no matter how profound of an answer you give a closed, numbed, unwilling heart, nothing comes thru. My answer might not be enough for them, and your answer might not be enough for them. That someone can keep arguing with you but you will probably never arrive at an answer. The simplest of faith trumps the greatest of mind. This is why I am so glad I still believe in God after studying Theology for four and a half years. (One and a half of them being pure academic studies). You go through all the motions and asking all these questions about God and your existence, and the world’s existence and why we do this or that. At the end of the day, I can simply choose to trust God or not believe in any of this. I have learned to be okay with not knowing any of the answers. In my heart of hearts, I resonate with the Truth. I have learned how to hold the tension of His love and His justice, of walking in revelation or in complete blindness. I have crawled in the mud of despair and worshipped at the top of the mountain. At the end of it all, you can only choose, and the choice will always be yours. I pray that you choose well.