The following are my thoughts from a month ago…
July 15, 2017.
I’ve been so sick this week (physically) and lonely (emotionally) and am overcome by this utter sense of unfinished unsettling feeling… I couldn’t pinpoint what is it. Have you ever experienced this? It’s like being hit by an arrow but you don’t know where it exactly hit you but you feel it sicken and numb and you feel decay starting to proliferate to every cell in your body…? Because that’s what I felt. So weird.
It was physical at first, I’ve never been this sick since 2008. Then it became emotional. I thought I was just PMS-ing. But not the time of the month yet, I just had it. Then it became spiritual. In the end, I was just frustrated with myself because I. don’t. understand. And I’m being very melodramatic.
I am an optimistic person that’s why this feeling didn’t make sense. I tried to fight over the darkness that was slowly swallowing me alive. It didn’t belong here. But everything I know. Who I am. What I am. I am a daughter of the Most High King. It doesn’t seem to matter. The darkness doesn’t care. It just seeks to steal, kill, destroy everything standing in it’s way. It was a battle I was trying to win, but every weapon I was forging immediately disappears as soon as I conjure it.
So I was there, at home, lying in my own misery and depression. I read the Bible. Flipped through different social media or internet websites that I rely almost on the daily basis to distract me from reality. Instagram. Facebook. Twitter. Netflix. Youtube. I even opened Pinterest. Nothing worked. Ugh. seriously.
Later, I got myself into watching a TV series I loved and haven’t seen in a while. (a year or so) It’s funny how God used that TV show to speak to me. Really really ridiculous… yet sooo very like God. One of the characters recited a phrase I thought was a poem. Almost as soon as he started saying the words, imagine me slowly perking up from my lazy position on the couch, life coming back to my eyes as I digested to what he said.
“The Light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has not overcome it.”
I remembered. Not in my mind. But my heart, my soul, my spirit– my whole being remembered. My “WHY”. I didn’t forget it, heck I was speaking it over myself the past days but it wasn’t getting inside. Until now. Until this character said it.
I could cry.
I actually did cry. Ha! Finally, I was free! I know in the deepest part of me I was not bound. I’m free already.
But it was almost as if God allowed me to experience those grief, the darkness,.. to remind me what the rest of the world is experiencing, and my mission here is not finished yet. I have more things to do. WE have a lot to do. We know WHO wins in the end, but for NOW, this is not over yet.